Lemme start with some of my own personal story then I'll talk about the methods I used to assist myself through the hard times and what I learnt from it all. My hope is that it can be of help to you too. I'll get right into it; I got into a relationship when I was 25. I knew it wasn't right from the beginning, I had strong feelings that he wasn't trustworthy and something was wrong but it was my first - I guess serious relationship and ultimately, as I realise later I just wanted someone to fill the space I was lacking - Love. Additionally, I didn't trust myself and with no evidence I found it hard to walk away.
We were together for just under 2 years; our relationship was mostly filled with my anxiety, betrayal and denial.
At one point I decided I needed a break but shortly afterwards, we were back together. I remember that day so clearly; the bad feeling I felt the day I saw him again. It was like I had swallowed dread... traveling from the back of my throat to my stomach it stayed there; intent on not budging throughout the day until eventually giving in, sadly realising I was going to abandon myself again.
Luckily, the day came when I was alone with his brothers girlfriend who knew my boyfriend well. She confirmed that he was definitely NOT someone you can trust, she told me his recent history and I was horrified. That was the evidence I needed to leave, once and for all.
One year later I was off to travel Turkey. Just before leaving I had started to get really bad IBS bloating. Whilst traveling, I was able to outrun most of the IBS plus the lead weight sitting on my chest... that was until at last, I was still for long enough. Then came all the unacknowledged emotions and IBS bloating with a vengeance. My heart begrudgingly welcoming in the familiarity of the past.
I had to learn to sit with myself, to feel and release the pain from the relationship and other heaviness going on.
Almost magically, my IBS started to clear and the heaviness started to lift. I still had ups and downs but it felt much better than before.
This was when I truly realised how the mind and body were connected. The body is full of wisdom and you can't hide from it for long... you will always carry your shadow around because its a part of you but what I've learnt is that it just wants and needs to be acknowledged and seen. Like we do ourselves.
Emotion is just Energy in Motion, (its clever but I didn't come up with that) it needs to move and be released by some form of expression or acknowledgment. If not, it can become trapped in the body and cause all kinds of dis-ease.
(Taken from the findings of a trauma specialist Doctor Gabor Mate, Peter Levine - The "godfather" of trauma therapy & Psychiatrist and trauma expert Bessel Van Der Kolk who have researched extensively into the connection between trauma and the body and mind.)
Back to my story; Covid19 had started so I came back to London, where I was again forced to feel more of the emotions that were coming up. I had no where to run so instead I delved into the memories and experiences of my past. Reflecting on the patterns, I came to deeper understandings of all of the lessons.
At the core of it all was this single, most powerful and debilitating wound;
Feeling unworthy.
There, I've said it... and I feel a bit sick now...
I don't want this wound to control me or my life anymore. It has been for as long as I can remember.
Now I'm getting to the whole point of this blog. It was becoming clear that because of this wound, I was attracting all of the experiences into my life that made me feel unworthy. Because its so deeply wired into my being, it was running on loop inside my subconscious. Magnetising more people, situations and experiences that mirror back to me what I was reflecting out into the world.
A massive part of why I stayed in denial with my ex was that deep down, I didn't believe that I deserved better.
Also, I was trying to use him to fill in the space of my self love that I was lacking.
Now I understand that we can't look outside of ourselves, it has to come from within first.
Thanks to neuroplasticity (the ability to rewire your neural connections) and to the biologist and epigenetics scientist Doctor Bruce Lipton (plus other psychologists and experts) I understood that as children up until the age of 7 years old, we automatically download the patterns and behaviours of our parents and those around us. They become our subconscious programming that can control our lives. And just like that, we have inherited our parents traumas. 🤦♀️
Bruce talks about repetition as one of the methods to reprogramme the subconscious mind and using affirmations to rewire the brain to work for you instead of against you. Like hypnotherapy.
In my case, I started to recite positive affirmations that overruled my core limiting belief. I would recite them about 10 times in the morning and night. Sometimes during the day too while inter mixing with listening to a 15 minutes recording of Self Love affirmations. I was religious with this routine for about 1 month. I can't say that straight after this my life changed. But I believe it helped me to set up the foundations of my self love. Through continuous dedication to my personal growth, I can see positive changes in my life and myself now. I am letting in more love, abundance and goodness. My career has been growing and improving too. After all, how can I have a successful career if I don't believe I'm worthy of it?
Healing a deep core wound I believe is a life long journey. Sometimes this wound visits me and I have to peel off another layer, letting the compounds burn and sting my eyes. Its sting becoming less pungent, losing its power the closer I get to its core. Now fast forward 6 and a half years and hell no am I going to let myself be treated like I was in the past. I value my peace way too much, plus myself more and more.
I've learnt to trust myself and I am learning to accept and honour myself too.
Though I'm still learning, growing and evolving...I know that I don't want to abandon myself anymore.
I hope this helps you on your own healing journey and that you remember who you really are...underneath all of the external conditioning from the world, expectations and limiting beliefs.
Thank you for reading my story. Feel free to share this with others you feel it can help Aycan x
P.S. You can find more of my art on instagram: Aycans_art
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